


Light The Way Back Home

by goddessofcruelty



Series: Heroes [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sad, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 04:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1592498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddessofcruelty/pseuds/goddessofcruelty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has loved Bucky all his life.</p><p>From the moment he burst into Steve's life on the playground, throwing himself bodily at the bully who was shoving Steve's face into the sandbox, making him eat dirt.</p><p>He remembers looking up into that shy smile and knowing, just <em>knowing</em>, that they would be together forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Light The Way Back Home

Steve has loved Bucky all his life.

From the moment he burst into Steve's life on the playground, throwing himself bodily at the bully who was shoving Steve's face into the sandbox, making him eat dirt.

He remembers looking up into that shy smile and knowing, just _knowing_ , that they would be together forever.

-

It's not until mid-way through high school that Steve realizes that what he feels for Bucky isn't quite right.

At night, in the dark, Steve tries to think about girls and he feels nothing. But when he imagines Bucky, his pulse races and he can barely contain himself, bite back the noises, and the name he wants to cry out to the heavens.

He does his best to call it hero-worship, but as Bucky grows taller and more and more handsome, strong and clever, and Steve stays, well, Steve...he eventually has to admit that he has feelings. Real true romantic feelings for his best friend.

More than anything else, Steve _respects_ Bucky, and so he refuses to ever give him any hint that he has these stupid emotions that would mess their friendship up.

He does his best to act normal, though maybe he picks fights a little too often, because it's the only time he gets to wrap an arm around Bucky, feel that safety in his arms.

Maybe sometimes those fights are for different, darker reasons. Things that he hides way down beneath his subconscious.

He meets girls sometimes, but they're not really into him any more than he is them, though he tries, just to keep up appearances, and to make Bucky proud because he's always pushing Steve at some girl or another.

-

And then comes the war, and Steve has a real chance to be the hero that Bucky is. He's _determined_ , he tries time and time again, does whatever it takes.

He's not going to be rejected.

Steve has been worthless his entire life, he'll be damned if he isn't going to use this opportunity to be something.

And he finally gets it.

Science and his persistence, and maybe his own unique way of doing things, pay off and he's _changed_. Now he's a real hero, able to fight for his country, only...it's not the same without Bucky. It's not what he thought it would be. But there's no going back now.

And then he hears about Bucky's unit and he feels like he's going to have a heart attack because this _can't_ be happening. He _refuses_ to believe.

And on the strength of his convictions, he finds his way to Bucky once more. Nothing has ever felt as good as striding back into that camp with Bucky at his side.

He's strong now, and self-assured and he's going to tell Bucky everything. So he finds him at the bar and settles down beside him.

“Ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?”

For a couple minutes, he thinks Bucky is actually flirting with him, _they are actually flirting_ , are they flirting? And maybe this is the moment.

Then Peggy walks in.

The way that Bucky looks her over, drives an ice shard through Steve's heart. The whole time that she's talking to him, all Steve can think of is that he almost made a terrible mistake.

He gets out of there as soon as he can, and he doesn't even remember what he says to excuse himself

-.

Steve reminds himself that he almost lost Bucky once, actually _thought_ he had lost him, and it had almost broken him.

As long as he has Bucky's friendship, he can live without anything else.

And then the train happens.

Nothing is the same after that and when it comes time to do the thing that needs to be done, make what they call the ultimate sacrifice, well, Steve's thinking about maybe seeing Bucky on the other side.

He's talking to Peggy because he knows how she feels, and he's trying to give her something. It's the last gift he's got for her, because he's going to Bucky.

-

And then he wakes up.

For a few moments he thinks that he's back, and Peggy's going to walk through that door, and then he hears the radio.

A lot of people think Steve is dumb, apparently because he's muscular now. But he was _smart_ long before any of that, and and he smells a set up.

He _listens,_ and then he knows that he's being fucked with, and he immediately starts thinking Hydra and he needs to get _out_ right the fuck now.

-

“..asleep for seventy years.”

It's ringing in Steve's mind. He was supposed to be with Bucky in the afterlife. Now he's catapulted into the future after something that should have killed him...and that's something he's going to have to think about at a later date.

“You goin' be okay?”

“Yeah..it's just..I had a date.”

Bucky is torn from him again.

-

He copes. That's what Steve does.

He becomes the best Captain America that he can be. He does what Shield needs, he does his best to lead the team that they've created.

He puts up with Tony's shit and then Loki's shit and well, basically _everyone's_ shit because honestly, everyone in this time is so _fucking_ pampered.

Except Bruce. He feels an odd connection to Bruce.

Stemming from the moment when Banner tells everyone that he can't die. They have that in common.

Also, Bruce isn't judgmental, he _listens_ to Steve.

They get dinner sometimes in between missions, and Steve thinks maybe one day, when all of this is over, when they retire...

But it never gets to the point where Steve can feel comfortable bringing it up, and Bruce never does either and so, well, they stay as they are.

-

He meets Sam, and there's something there, a connection, a spark of that camaraderie that he had with Bucky.

Then Hydra happens.

It's like his past is coming back to haunt him, tormenting him. Everything is torn away, the foundations that he's built his new life upon crumble, and Steve is left adrift without an anchor.

So he focuses on fighting Hydra.

He tracks down Sitwell, fights Hydra's Winter Soldier, and then that mask comes off and _that face beneath._

“Bucky?” He can't even believe it, surely he's seeing things.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” It's _him_ , that's the voice he's been dreaming about his whole life, and he tries to make contact, if he could just touch him, make him see..

But he's gone. And Steve has a job to do.

-

The next time they meet, it's the same.

Bucky doesn't know him, but Steve is sure that he can get through somehow. He gets the chip into place and then does his best to break through to Bucky.

“...til the end of the line.”

Steve isn't sure if it works, because they're falling and crashing and then he's enveloped in black.

-

When he wakes, Bucky is gone again. But now Steve knows that he's out there.

And he doesn't stop searching. Ever.

Captain America is still the face of Shield, and he's swamped trying to keep things on an even keel. Still he searches, especially when he's briefly detailed to Russia.

It's like Bucky has disappeared into the wind.

-

He comes home one day, exhausted from a mission and heartsick of the total destruction of his life's work, to find a ratty old box sitting on his table.

Curious, Steve takes the lid off to see a stack of notebooks.

He pulls the first one out and starts to read.

By the time he's halfway through, he's crying.

Steve stays up all that night, he reads them all the way through.

He sits on his couch after closing the last one, and just _stares_ into space.

Steve has no idea how long he sits there, hearing Bucky's voice in his mind.

“ _I love you Steve.”_

_-_

He goes through the notebooks again, teasing out any information that might lead him to Bucky. He visits all the shelters and people that Bucky talks about, asking every single one about him.

It's almost two weeks before he gets a hint. An old drunk tells him something in passing that Bucky said once, about finding someplace colder to live.

It's not a lot, but it's more than he had before.

Tony comes through with a brief glimpse on a security camera at a bus station.

Bucky is headed North.

Steve packs his things and follows.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration: Hero of the Day by Metallica
> 
> Please let me know if I need to tag anything. <3
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](goddessofcruelty.tumblr.com)


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